I really don't care if I am in a negative spot right now.
I feel miserable about everything right now.
MOSTLY about myself. Pregnancy has not been fun, 5 more weeks and I will be halfway through, but I just want to be done with it now. Sadly, sometimes I wish I was never pregnant, not because I don't want my baby or anything. I just wasn't ready for this right now, especially when things in my life just don't feel quite like I pictured they would be.
I wanted to be married, at least for a few years, with someone who I could share this experience with as something new for the both of us. I wanted a nice (not big or anything) house, a job that I didn't get so stressed out over, and maybe actually liked. I wanted a dog, a bigger car. So many things, and as much as I yearned for this before it happened, I still wanted the timing to be better than it was.
I feel fat, I feel like I look disgusting. I hate looking at myself, and I don't even bother putting on makeup because I don't feel beautiful anymore. Beyond that, I don't even feel like I know myself anymore, I feel like a monster, a scared, confused, angry, sad monster.
I really hope things start to get better soon...I am on the verge of a break-down.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 10, 2011
Camping!
Was awesome this weekend. It was so nice to get away from everything!
I loved it (except for having to pee in the middle of the night)
The fresh (cold) air was so refreshing, even though where we live isn't that bad either.
I think it was mostly so relaxing for me because I didn't have to deal with cellphones, facebook, etc.
I am starting to really hate technology. It makes things too easy...sometimes it can be the downfall of great things.
I loved it (except for having to pee in the middle of the night)
The fresh (cold) air was so refreshing, even though where we live isn't that bad either.
I think it was mostly so relaxing for me because I didn't have to deal with cellphones, facebook, etc.
I am starting to really hate technology. It makes things too easy...sometimes it can be the downfall of great things.
Friday, September 30, 2011
I hate so many things
But mostly I hate that I feel like you think you can do whatever you want and I have to be the one to put up with it.
I hate that I can tell you everything, no matter what it is...yet you can't tell me anything.
I hate that you talk to her so much. I know there is a reason for it sometimes, but to go on and have conversations with her is just unneccessary.
I hate that you expect things from me, yet you can't do the same yourself.
I hate that I have no idea what you are thinking.
I hate how much I am trying, and yet I don't know if it is all going to be for nothing.
And yet, I still love you more than I can even bear at times.
I hate that I can tell you everything, no matter what it is...yet you can't tell me anything.
I hate that you talk to her so much. I know there is a reason for it sometimes, but to go on and have conversations with her is just unneccessary.
I hate that you expect things from me, yet you can't do the same yourself.
I hate that I have no idea what you are thinking.
I hate how much I am trying, and yet I don't know if it is all going to be for nothing.
And yet, I still love you more than I can even bear at times.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Im tired
I don't feel like playing anymore.
This is absolutely the worst experience of my life, and I still have 7 months left and I don't know what to do.
I hate whoever is enjoying this.
I suppose it is better when it happens the right way, or in the right order I should say.
But like everything else in my life that I planned, it obviously didn't turn out to be so.
Sometimes I wish I could be 5 again.
I could play with my baby dolls and be perfectly content, I didn't care about if a boy was playing games with me, because I thought boys had cooties. Anytime I had a problem it was easily fixable by mom and dad.
I suppose, that in some ways I am happy, I mean I could be alone in all this and I am not.
I have someone to love, and I am pretty much positive they love me back,
I have my wonderful family.
So why am I so depressed?
I would have to say because this is consuming my whole life. If I could imagine it as a physical being I would say it is the size of Godzilla, as vicious as a t-rex, and as annoying as...a yapping dog (one that NEVER stops barking)
And of course it is affecting every aspect of my life...
Work - I can hardly concentrate on what I am doing, I just want to sleep and I sit here for 8 hours and feel like shit
Parents - Well my dad is extremely worried about many things to do with this, and my mom isn't completely aware yet
Relationship - Probably the worst part of it all, I feel like its like one of those off brand wet paper towels with a brick laying on it. Like any moment it could all fall through...partially because of his lack of understanding how I am feeling and my inability to control myself at any given time. Definitely not what I want...
Myself - Well I am being pulled in every direction both physically and mentally.
Therefore, I am tired.
This is absolutely the worst experience of my life, and I still have 7 months left and I don't know what to do.
I hate whoever is enjoying this.
I suppose it is better when it happens the right way, or in the right order I should say.
But like everything else in my life that I planned, it obviously didn't turn out to be so.
Sometimes I wish I could be 5 again.
I could play with my baby dolls and be perfectly content, I didn't care about if a boy was playing games with me, because I thought boys had cooties. Anytime I had a problem it was easily fixable by mom and dad.
I suppose, that in some ways I am happy, I mean I could be alone in all this and I am not.
I have someone to love, and I am pretty much positive they love me back,
I have my wonderful family.
So why am I so depressed?
I would have to say because this is consuming my whole life. If I could imagine it as a physical being I would say it is the size of Godzilla, as vicious as a t-rex, and as annoying as...a yapping dog (one that NEVER stops barking)
And of course it is affecting every aspect of my life...
Work - I can hardly concentrate on what I am doing, I just want to sleep and I sit here for 8 hours and feel like shit
Parents - Well my dad is extremely worried about many things to do with this, and my mom isn't completely aware yet
Relationship - Probably the worst part of it all, I feel like its like one of those off brand wet paper towels with a brick laying on it. Like any moment it could all fall through...partially because of his lack of understanding how I am feeling and my inability to control myself at any given time. Definitely not what I want...
Myself - Well I am being pulled in every direction both physically and mentally.
Therefore, I am tired.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Please be on the lookout!
Two Evanston residents reported missing
Posted: Monday, Aug 1st, 2011
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Zolnosky is an airman and was to report to Warren Air Force Base in Cheyenne. He and Smith disappeared Monday, July 25. They are both 20 years old. Zachary is 6 feet tall, 175 pounds with brown hair. He has three tattoos: one cross with his deceased brother’s initials “nlz”; a “CR” and “So Others May Live.”
Gabriella Smith is 5 feet, 3 inches tall, and weighs 115 pounds and has curly brown hair and brown eyes. Her mother, Vivian Mead, said that Gabby has bad asthma and does not have her medications with her.
Zac’s mother, Grace Zolnosky has said she and Zac are very close, especially after the death of his older brother from diabetes. She said it is unusual for him not to answer his phone or text her to let her know he is all right.
In information provided to the Herald, Grace Zolnosky wanted to make sure Zac and Gabby know they are very loved, and their families need them to come home.
According to Grace Zolnosky, Zac was last seen on Monday, July 25. He was scheduled to report to the Air Force on Tuesday, July 26. Grace said he intended to return to Cheyenne. Her last contact with him was a text message Monday evening. After that, his phone has gone directly to voicemail. Friends and family of the two are baffled with the disappearance, saying it is unlike them not to contact anyone.
Anyone with information is asked to call Grace Zolnosky at (307) 679-4397 or Evanston police at (307) 783-6400.
Evanston police noted this case is completely unrelated to the Thomas Lester missing person case, reported in the Herald July 22. Lester went missing from his Evanston home June 30.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Last Night
You know when things just feel so perfect
Those times you are encased in a moment of time
Its like being in a fantasy
You realize it's reality, and your heart just feels like it could not become any more full.
I love you so much, so much that sometimes I have a hard time grasping it in my hands.
Last night you told me something, and I was so happy to hear it.
To know that you want to spend your life with me, I was overjoyed.
I don't want to spend mine with anyone else.
I almost have hard time thinking of my life before I met you.
We have our ups and downs, and sometimes it feels like we are falling forever.
But through all the emotions, happy, sad, angry...There is one that is always present.
Love.
Babe, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I find you to be one of the most compassionate, understanding men I have ever met. I feel so lucky to have you in my life, and even more to know that we have eachothers hearts. You have an amazing heart, so full of love for your daughter. I want you to know that I couldn't imagine or consider being with anyone else for the rest of my life. I love you so much, I can't do anything act or tell you any words that would show you how much I love you. Thank you for being you, thank you for taking me in as I am, thank you for loving me.
Those times you are encased in a moment of time
Its like being in a fantasy
You realize it's reality, and your heart just feels like it could not become any more full.
I love you so much, so much that sometimes I have a hard time grasping it in my hands.
Last night you told me something, and I was so happy to hear it.
To know that you want to spend your life with me, I was overjoyed.
I don't want to spend mine with anyone else.
I almost have hard time thinking of my life before I met you.
We have our ups and downs, and sometimes it feels like we are falling forever.
But through all the emotions, happy, sad, angry...There is one that is always present.
Love.
Babe, I want you to know how much you mean to me. I find you to be one of the most compassionate, understanding men I have ever met. I feel so lucky to have you in my life, and even more to know that we have eachothers hearts. You have an amazing heart, so full of love for your daughter. I want you to know that I couldn't imagine or consider being with anyone else for the rest of my life. I love you so much, I can't do anything act or tell you any words that would show you how much I love you. Thank you for being you, thank you for taking me in as I am, thank you for loving me.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Hmmmm
Do you ever feel like things are just wrong? I am not sure how to explain that, but maybe more like something is just off, you have a sneaking suspicion that everything isn't what you thought it was?
I don't know, maybe I am just so stressed out from work that it's all in my head, but either way I don't like it one bit.
I don't know, maybe I am just so stressed out from work that it's all in my head, but either way I don't like it one bit.
Friday, July 22, 2011
When you realize.
I find that in closing my eyes and thinking about my life I have made many great realizations in my life.
Some of the most enthralling realizations come with you in mind.
1. The moment I realized I wanted to kiss you.
You were dropping me off at home, and you wanted to kiss me too. You had taken your seatbelt off, but I was too scared to take that cue.
2. The moment I realized I wanted to be with you.
It was actually the time you told me I couldn't tell anyone that we were hanging out. I understood why, but knowing I couldn't make things real, made me realize I wanted to be more than just a friend.
3. The moment I realized I loved you.
On the way back from San Francisco. I wasn't completely sure, but anytime I tried to toss that feeling away, it just came back. By the time you were at my house to drop me off, I knew.
4. The moment I realized I loved you more than anyone I have ever loved before.
This one was kind of funny to me, simply because I look back and I wonder if I really ever loved any other man. I am always thinking about you, from the moment I wake up and see you until I close my eyes that night.
5. The moment I realized that I didn't want to be with anyone but you.
At first I wasn't sure how this was all going to work, you have your daughter, and I was scared to settle into any permanent thoughts. I just couldn't help it though, You have changed my life. I never knew that when people say "You have made me a better person" that I would ever know what they have meant by it. I can't imagine myself spending my life with anyone else.
There will be many more of these to come, but I am so happy that I have what I do with you.
Some of the most enthralling realizations come with you in mind.
1. The moment I realized I wanted to kiss you.
You were dropping me off at home, and you wanted to kiss me too. You had taken your seatbelt off, but I was too scared to take that cue.
2. The moment I realized I wanted to be with you.
It was actually the time you told me I couldn't tell anyone that we were hanging out. I understood why, but knowing I couldn't make things real, made me realize I wanted to be more than just a friend.
3. The moment I realized I loved you.
On the way back from San Francisco. I wasn't completely sure, but anytime I tried to toss that feeling away, it just came back. By the time you were at my house to drop me off, I knew.
4. The moment I realized I loved you more than anyone I have ever loved before.
This one was kind of funny to me, simply because I look back and I wonder if I really ever loved any other man. I am always thinking about you, from the moment I wake up and see you until I close my eyes that night.
5. The moment I realized that I didn't want to be with anyone but you.
At first I wasn't sure how this was all going to work, you have your daughter, and I was scared to settle into any permanent thoughts. I just couldn't help it though, You have changed my life. I never knew that when people say "You have made me a better person" that I would ever know what they have meant by it. I can't imagine myself spending my life with anyone else.
There will be many more of these to come, but I am so happy that I have what I do with you.
Impossible People.
There haven't been very many times in my life that I can remember, where I absolutely did not like someone.
Not only did not like them, but I was greatly discouraged knowing I had to see this person on a constant basis.
At first I felt like I was the only one who felt so strongly about this person, but the longer I had problems with this person, the more I saw I wasn't the only one.
I find it amazing that one person can change an environment.
It can go from happy and relaxed to angry and stressful. FROM ONE PERSON!
I wonder if they can see how they make people feel, see how frustrated and stressed they are when they come around. I can be very perceptive when I want to be, and I am good about retreating when I know that someone does not care for me or does not like me.
Right now I am at that point where I hate coming in every day, but I don't have any open opportunities to change things at the moment. I just hope if someone reads this and they realize how miserable they are making someone, or a group of people, that maybe you can work on becoming a little bit more pleasant and easier to deal with.
Not only did not like them, but I was greatly discouraged knowing I had to see this person on a constant basis.
At first I felt like I was the only one who felt so strongly about this person, but the longer I had problems with this person, the more I saw I wasn't the only one.
I find it amazing that one person can change an environment.
It can go from happy and relaxed to angry and stressful. FROM ONE PERSON!
I wonder if they can see how they make people feel, see how frustrated and stressed they are when they come around. I can be very perceptive when I want to be, and I am good about retreating when I know that someone does not care for me or does not like me.
Right now I am at that point where I hate coming in every day, but I don't have any open opportunities to change things at the moment. I just hope if someone reads this and they realize how miserable they are making someone, or a group of people, that maybe you can work on becoming a little bit more pleasant and easier to deal with.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I love you.
I kinda wish my boyfriend read my blog, because well my blog is like my public diary. I say things in here that I mean, and sometimes I don't know how to say it out loud.
I am sorry that I can't just tell you why I am upset all the time, I don't like to speak without thinking because that is how feelings get hurt. Although, now I realize waiting so long to say something hurts too.
I am truly sorry, I wish I could go back through this week and fix it all.
I want you to understand that you are the first man that I have dated that was really just that, a man.
The first time in my life, I have someone who actually cares about what I have to say, about my feelings, and wants to hear it. I have never in my life, had that before. So it is hard for me to understand that sometimes, and I can understand you being upset at me for it.
I just want you to know you are an amazing man to me.
Just your touch alone is enough to fix whatever is wrong with me.
You are such a great father to one of the most adorable little girls I know, I am so happy that you were given that gift.
You are strong, and while stubborn, I feel so safe when I am with you.
You are funny, not just a little bit either. I love that you can make me laugh every day.
I love your sarcasm (most of the time).
I love the way you say you love me.
I love the way you kiss me.
I love waking up in the morning and seeing you.
I love how we can play x box together.
I love spending all my time with you.
I love getting text messages from you while I am at work, because you know I have some pretty rough days.
I love that you care.
I love your little pet peeves, I think they are so interesting.
I love that I can have an intelligent conversation with you.
I also love how I can have very un intelligent conversations with you.
I love how you tease me.
I love having your arms wrapped around me.
I love how happy you are all the time, even when you are really not.
I love how patient you are with me (99% of the time at least)
I love how you always recommend I do mischievous things, even though you know I probably won't do them.
I love how you are always cold when I am hot.
I love how excited I am when I get to see you after not seeing you for even an hour.
I love when you surprise me.
I love that you spend time with my family, even though conversation doesn't fare well in my house.
I love that you take me to see your family.
I love that I have so many things I love you for, and just writing this made me so incredibly happy.
I love that I love you, out of everyone else in the world I wouldn't be content to be with any other man.
I just love you.
There are so many things that I could say about you, about how much you mean to me, but I could go on and on about it.
Please, come give me a hug.
I am sorry that I can't just tell you why I am upset all the time, I don't like to speak without thinking because that is how feelings get hurt. Although, now I realize waiting so long to say something hurts too.
I am truly sorry, I wish I could go back through this week and fix it all.
I want you to understand that you are the first man that I have dated that was really just that, a man.
The first time in my life, I have someone who actually cares about what I have to say, about my feelings, and wants to hear it. I have never in my life, had that before. So it is hard for me to understand that sometimes, and I can understand you being upset at me for it.
I just want you to know you are an amazing man to me.
Just your touch alone is enough to fix whatever is wrong with me.
You are such a great father to one of the most adorable little girls I know, I am so happy that you were given that gift.
You are strong, and while stubborn, I feel so safe when I am with you.
You are funny, not just a little bit either. I love that you can make me laugh every day.
I love your sarcasm (most of the time).
I love the way you say you love me.
I love the way you kiss me.
I love waking up in the morning and seeing you.
I love how we can play x box together.
I love spending all my time with you.
I love getting text messages from you while I am at work, because you know I have some pretty rough days.
I love that you care.
I love your little pet peeves, I think they are so interesting.
I love that I can have an intelligent conversation with you.
I also love how I can have very un intelligent conversations with you.
I love how you tease me.
I love having your arms wrapped around me.
I love how happy you are all the time, even when you are really not.
I love how patient you are with me (99% of the time at least)
I love how you always recommend I do mischievous things, even though you know I probably won't do them.
I love how you are always cold when I am hot.
I love how excited I am when I get to see you after not seeing you for even an hour.
I love when you surprise me.
I love that you spend time with my family, even though conversation doesn't fare well in my house.
I love that you take me to see your family.
I love that I have so many things I love you for, and just writing this made me so incredibly happy.
I love that I love you, out of everyone else in the world I wouldn't be content to be with any other man.
I just love you.
There are so many things that I could say about you, about how much you mean to me, but I could go on and on about it.
Please, come give me a hug.
Friday, July 1, 2011
What do you do...
When your heart feels torn to pieces, do you try and superglue it back together?
I have done that twice this week, but I may need to reapply again.
I hate feeling like this. Its funny to me, that I feel like writing to my blog will make me feel better.
More than it would talking to a real person. In fact I almost expect a response back.
But of course I never do.
I wish that there was some type of device out there that you can hook up each end to you and another person, and physically show that person the pain you are in. Just so they can understand why you are crying every day, why you are so depressed.
There are so many levels of feelings. Right now I am at the level where every mental feeling I have, I almost physically feel.
Like my sadness feels like I am wrapped in a wet, cold, smothering sheet.
My hurt feels like someone is squeezing my heart out of my chest.
My confusion feels like someone is pouring concrete into the pit of my stomach.
My anger feels like I have just pour hot, boiling water into every inch of my body.
These are all such extreme feelings, I am trying to make myself numb.
One feeling I don't want to numb though, is love.
Its funny that part of the way I am feeling is because I love someone so much.
That's the trouble with love, is when you are with someone and you love them with the very depths of your soul, any little thing they do to hurt you feels like it has been multiplied by a million.
It also goes in the way that when you hurt them you hate yourself so much for whatever it is you did or said to hurt them.
I feel so hopeless right now, like the pain won't ever go away.
Why God, why won't you make it go away? I don't understand why you are doing this to me?
I have done that twice this week, but I may need to reapply again.
I hate feeling like this. Its funny to me, that I feel like writing to my blog will make me feel better.
More than it would talking to a real person. In fact I almost expect a response back.
But of course I never do.
I wish that there was some type of device out there that you can hook up each end to you and another person, and physically show that person the pain you are in. Just so they can understand why you are crying every day, why you are so depressed.
There are so many levels of feelings. Right now I am at the level where every mental feeling I have, I almost physically feel.
Like my sadness feels like I am wrapped in a wet, cold, smothering sheet.
My hurt feels like someone is squeezing my heart out of my chest.
My confusion feels like someone is pouring concrete into the pit of my stomach.
My anger feels like I have just pour hot, boiling water into every inch of my body.
These are all such extreme feelings, I am trying to make myself numb.
One feeling I don't want to numb though, is love.
Its funny that part of the way I am feeling is because I love someone so much.
That's the trouble with love, is when you are with someone and you love them with the very depths of your soul, any little thing they do to hurt you feels like it has been multiplied by a million.
It also goes in the way that when you hurt them you hate yourself so much for whatever it is you did or said to hurt them.
I feel so hopeless right now, like the pain won't ever go away.
Why God, why won't you make it go away? I don't understand why you are doing this to me?
Monday, June 27, 2011
I am scared.
I am worried about a blood test I have to go take today.
Its not anything where I fear I might be dying, but it is still a big deal, something that will determine if I am going to be continuing the life changes I had planned.
I know God has a reason for everything he does, and I refuse to hold anything against him.
But If things turn out to not go so well, I am going to be wondering why it had to happen.
Its not anything where I fear I might be dying, but it is still a big deal, something that will determine if I am going to be continuing the life changes I had planned.
I know God has a reason for everything he does, and I refuse to hold anything against him.
But If things turn out to not go so well, I am going to be wondering why it had to happen.
Monday, June 20, 2011
I needed this..
Sometimes it can be funny why God let's things happen in your life.
Even when they are miserable, cold, cruel, purely depressing.
This weekend happened to be one of those times.
What started out as me being stubborn to my boyfriend, and not telling him what was wrong turned out to be a weekend filled with too many tears and little words between us.
I hated every moment of it.
In fact, for anyone that knows me I really LOVE my sleep. Yet I slept a total of 6 hours (if that) this weekend.
But after all the bitterness, came a sweet outcome.
I realized a lot about our relationship, and how much he mattered to me.
So it was a blessing disguised in a couple of terrible days.
Now I know how much I love Joe, I mean I knew I loved him a whole lot before but I didn't know how much it was exactly.
I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and I find it hard to believe that I could have been with anyone else prior.
I hope that I get to be with him now and forever.
Even when they are miserable, cold, cruel, purely depressing.
This weekend happened to be one of those times.
What started out as me being stubborn to my boyfriend, and not telling him what was wrong turned out to be a weekend filled with too many tears and little words between us.
I hated every moment of it.
In fact, for anyone that knows me I really LOVE my sleep. Yet I slept a total of 6 hours (if that) this weekend.
But after all the bitterness, came a sweet outcome.
I realized a lot about our relationship, and how much he mattered to me.
So it was a blessing disguised in a couple of terrible days.
Now I know how much I love Joe, I mean I knew I loved him a whole lot before but I didn't know how much it was exactly.
I couldn't imagine being with anyone else, and I find it hard to believe that I could have been with anyone else prior.
I hope that I get to be with him now and forever.
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