So good.
Friday, September 30, 2011
I hate so many things
But mostly I hate that I feel like you think you can do whatever you want and I have to be the one to put up with it.
I hate that I can tell you everything, no matter what it is...yet you can't tell me anything.
I hate that you talk to her so much. I know there is a reason for it sometimes, but to go on and have conversations with her is just unneccessary.
I hate that you expect things from me, yet you can't do the same yourself.
I hate that I have no idea what you are thinking.
I hate how much I am trying, and yet I don't know if it is all going to be for nothing.
And yet, I still love you more than I can even bear at times.
I hate that I can tell you everything, no matter what it is...yet you can't tell me anything.
I hate that you talk to her so much. I know there is a reason for it sometimes, but to go on and have conversations with her is just unneccessary.
I hate that you expect things from me, yet you can't do the same yourself.
I hate that I have no idea what you are thinking.
I hate how much I am trying, and yet I don't know if it is all going to be for nothing.
And yet, I still love you more than I can even bear at times.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Im tired
I don't feel like playing anymore.
This is absolutely the worst experience of my life, and I still have 7 months left and I don't know what to do.
I hate whoever is enjoying this.
I suppose it is better when it happens the right way, or in the right order I should say.
But like everything else in my life that I planned, it obviously didn't turn out to be so.
Sometimes I wish I could be 5 again.
I could play with my baby dolls and be perfectly content, I didn't care about if a boy was playing games with me, because I thought boys had cooties. Anytime I had a problem it was easily fixable by mom and dad.
I suppose, that in some ways I am happy, I mean I could be alone in all this and I am not.
I have someone to love, and I am pretty much positive they love me back,
I have my wonderful family.
So why am I so depressed?
I would have to say because this is consuming my whole life. If I could imagine it as a physical being I would say it is the size of Godzilla, as vicious as a t-rex, and as annoying as...a yapping dog (one that NEVER stops barking)
And of course it is affecting every aspect of my life...
Work - I can hardly concentrate on what I am doing, I just want to sleep and I sit here for 8 hours and feel like shit
Parents - Well my dad is extremely worried about many things to do with this, and my mom isn't completely aware yet
Relationship - Probably the worst part of it all, I feel like its like one of those off brand wet paper towels with a brick laying on it. Like any moment it could all fall through...partially because of his lack of understanding how I am feeling and my inability to control myself at any given time. Definitely not what I want...
Myself - Well I am being pulled in every direction both physically and mentally.
Therefore, I am tired.
This is absolutely the worst experience of my life, and I still have 7 months left and I don't know what to do.
I hate whoever is enjoying this.
I suppose it is better when it happens the right way, or in the right order I should say.
But like everything else in my life that I planned, it obviously didn't turn out to be so.
Sometimes I wish I could be 5 again.
I could play with my baby dolls and be perfectly content, I didn't care about if a boy was playing games with me, because I thought boys had cooties. Anytime I had a problem it was easily fixable by mom and dad.
I suppose, that in some ways I am happy, I mean I could be alone in all this and I am not.
I have someone to love, and I am pretty much positive they love me back,
I have my wonderful family.
So why am I so depressed?
I would have to say because this is consuming my whole life. If I could imagine it as a physical being I would say it is the size of Godzilla, as vicious as a t-rex, and as annoying as...a yapping dog (one that NEVER stops barking)
And of course it is affecting every aspect of my life...
Work - I can hardly concentrate on what I am doing, I just want to sleep and I sit here for 8 hours and feel like shit
Parents - Well my dad is extremely worried about many things to do with this, and my mom isn't completely aware yet
Relationship - Probably the worst part of it all, I feel like its like one of those off brand wet paper towels with a brick laying on it. Like any moment it could all fall through...partially because of his lack of understanding how I am feeling and my inability to control myself at any given time. Definitely not what I want...
Myself - Well I am being pulled in every direction both physically and mentally.
Therefore, I am tired.
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